spike makes house calls.

i was looking through my drafts and realized there are quite a few writings i've started, but never posted. i found this one and decided i'd post it, more for my benefit than yours.

march 18, 2009:

the other night i had a dream with spike lee. [i think we were shopping for furniture or something] i was asking him how he got to where he is. i explained that i wanted to be as inspirational as i feel his work has been, but i feel like when i write, nothing impressive reveals itself on the paper. i said "spike. i try to make my thoughts meaningful and sound deep, but they're empty."

and do you know what spike said to me, he said 'you just gotta write'.

of the vega, kept it real.

In an interview, the artist De La Vega once gave this opinion/advice about running an arts business-- actually, this advice was given to him by a friend and reiterated by DLV- "The most important thing in running a business, you have to learn to be proactive. You can't wait for people to come to you." He went on to express, ever so eloquently that "it's hard to survive as an artist, or a photographer, or a writer [or a filmmaker]. The world don't (grammar geek in me says that should be doesn't, but we'll let the dude rock) owe you a fucking thing, you gotta go out and get it yourself. (preach it!) You have to learn the business, you have to learn to work relationships, you have to learn to play the game. You have to play this game, or it is going to play out on you."

And so DLV, and the rest of the world, I've decided to really jump into this game. Waiting is no fun, and frankly, I've been warming the benches too long. I was not built to wait; I was built to create.

There is something brewing and it smells sweeeeet.

paz.

jay.mo

great expectations.

be careful of the expectations that you place in other people. i've always assumed that expectations are a sign of optimism and i still support that opinion. i don't want to spend my life with no expectations for my future. in some cases, my expectations are what keep me on point. focused.

however, whenever setting expectations, an expectation that that expectation may not be met is necessary. speaking too vague? let me try to clarify.

i have been blessed to have amazing people in my life, but even the closest people in your life are bound to disappoint- actually i'll even go so far as to say that the closest people in your life are most likely to disappoint. many people, myself included, place so much pressure on these people to be who we want them to be: loving, understanding, great friends, kind, good listeners, etc. when someone doesn't fulfill the end of the deal [in my opinion, all relationships have an (un)spoken contract based on respect, care, and whatever qualities you find important for your specific situation] we are left, disappointed- and with a feeling that in some way we were lied to/bamboozled. the most immediate reaction is to blame the other person, makes sense b/c they didn't hold up their end of the deal. in some ambiguous situations, most often dating situations, the problem with a scenario like this is people are never clear about what "deal" they are involved in and when both people are on different pages, disappointment is inevitable. however, in the case of the more clearly defined relationships, such as family or your closest friends, we reach a point where we feel like we don't have to define the needs in those relationships. and ultimately, it is this comfort that leads to a break in our expectations. we expect people to continue to play the role in our lives that they've always played and the moment they can't, the moment life takes a turn for them, our selfish instinct is to ask them not to change, for our sake. sometimes personal growth involves disappointing others. i can only hope that this is not an indefinite side effect, but it does seem to be a necessary evil.

so here i am, struggling to keep expectations down and recognizing we are only human: so if people will disappoint, i can at least throw a solitary pity party every now and then.

tidbits.

only in costa rica can a man walk down the street with a machete and no one 1) run to the other side of the street, 2) attack him to the ground and arrest him, 3) will find it incredibly odd and creepy. thank God i was at the bus stop ACROSS the street when i saw him.

never have i seen so many women who can pluck their eyebrows on a moving, bumpy bus ride. i swear i would have at least lost one eye by now. maybe this explains the super thin, over-plucked look that is way too common here.

spike makes house calls.

i was looking through my drafts and realized there are quite a few writings i've started, but never posted. i found this one and decided i'd post it, more for my benefit than yours.

march 18, 2009:

the other night i had a dream with spike lee. [i think we were shopping for furniture or something] i was asking him how he got to where he is. i explained that i wanted to be as inspirational as i feel his work has been, but i feel like when i write, nothing impressive reveals itself on the paper. i said "spike. i try to make my thoughts meaningful and sound deep, but they're empty."

and do you know what spike said to me, he said 'you just gotta write'.

free as a bird.

ok first post totally downplayed my affection for this country, in the 4 days i have been here, Costa Rica has played an intense role on my being...actually i would say that it started before i arrived here- it began the moment i decided to move abroad to teach English, but the fact that it has actually materialized into something has proven something to me: i'm quite brave [say that in a cute British accent because that's how i imagined it]

my whole life i've been pretty cautious, over thinking/analyzing everything. not much of a risk taker, i would generally do things i felt comfortable with and traveled paths that i knew others had trailed before me. and for the first time in my life i can say that i'm not doing that and well it's starting to become a bit of a habit, and i like it!

the action (since apparently moving to costa rica didn't do it for me) that made me realize that i've become a brave, spontaneous woman was going on a canopy tour near the beach. [brief canopy explanation: zip-lining through trees hundreds of feet above the ground...basically my body connected to a cable as gravity brings me from one tree to the next-look it up for visuals]

my dad was eager to do another activity aside from tan, so without really thinking i agreed to canopy. i guess my mom thought about it plenty since she decided not to come. after putting the proper equipment on us we rode a tractor with about 16 others high up a mountain. at the top of the mountain we're given our instructions in about 5 minutes. this is when it starts to hits me that everything i need to know while i'm going to be hanging hundreds of feet in the air is being told to me in 5 minutes, by a young kid with braces who uses our fear to poke fun. i double check that i understand.

[the whole time we're there, there is this 6 year old Brazilian chubby little girl. she is fearless and without her knowing her confidence reassures me that i am completely capable of doing this]

my heart was pounding. i was questioning everything that was told to me- place hand here and here. not in front. cross legs. this means slow down. this means keep coming. don't worry. just breathe.
and then i hear: "okay, you're first"
of course! in a group of 18 i'd be the first to go. i started to stutter. me? you're sure. i guess he was since he started clipping me up. all i kept saying was 'don't let go, don't let go- not yet, not yet'
then i positioned my hands, looked back at my father, and was gone. just like that.

it was the scariest most exhilarating thing i've ever done. in total i zip-lined to 13 trees. it was intense and after getting over the initial fear, i loved it. i was free as a bird. i can't wait to return.

talking about it today, my dad kept telling my mom how impressed he was with me for being so brave. when my mom asked me how i did it i said i didn't think about it until i got to the top of the mountain. this may seem like a nothing phrase to you, but this summarizes to me how i want to live my life- i don't want to worry about things before they happen, when the challenge presents itself then i'll have to react, but when i try to think of a reaction i just end up working myself up. i had no time to think, i just had to let go and glide. it really freed me. and now as i'm getting ready for my first day of work in costa rica, i'm not scared because i haven't gotten to the mountain [school] yet- i'll handle it when i get there.

did you ever see it coming?

my feet have officially touched down on Costa Rican soil. after months and months of preparation i can't believe it all actually happened. i'm really here. and this is my first blog from CR.

so far, it's not what i've expected. i guess i was expecting more green when i first got off the plane- although the landing was spectacular since we are surrounded by mountains. i always have a gut reflex when i see poverty since it is at a level that is not similar to american poverty. of course it makes me uncomfortable in the sense that i'm saddened by their conditions, coming from a country that is given and takes a lot. but the people are friendly and have high spirits and are not afraid to grace you with their kindness. and costa rica smells good. :)

i visited the school i'll be working at and it's simply amazing. it used to be a house owned by coffee plantation owners, but now its a school. it's still in construction, but what is established is quite impressive and beautiful. their entire outside electricity is powered by water- a waterfall to be exact...yup there is a waterfall behind my school and a mini rain forest. it's beautiful. my director is awesome and even though i'm scared to have my own class- i'm open to the challenges...i mean i did come to costa rica after all.

did you know: prostitution is legal in costa rica. i already saw some fatties working out a deal with these working girls downstairs from my hotel. and it's so sad and makes me wanna vomit. the concept disgusts me...not only that but i feel like it puts women who aren't prostitutes in an awkward position. i was warned not to look most guys in the eyes since thats a Pro thing to do and guys can take that as an invitation- yuck! no thank you.

while i am excited about being in costa rica, and do feel that this is where God has directed my life, i'm still trying to get over the sadness of leaving. it is always hard to say goodbye or 'see you later' (right ST?) and the ones i had to do were particularly rough. i have some of the most amazing people in my life and being apart from them is beyond difficult. but i love you all for your support, love, and understanding. even though i'm far, i'm still here [you get that right] i hope to continue to be a great friend to you all as you have been to me. you can't be replaced in my heart- that's for damn sure.
all i have to say is thank God for internet ...i was online a few hours after getting off the airplane. lucky me! so please- email me, send me pics, quotes, whatever. i just wanna feel the love.

con mucho amor.

inspire me:

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything, live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

~Rainer Maria Rilke